I am lately been doing some thinking, lately I am very irritant and sensitive. Easy to loose cool and getting emotional is never been my way. Thinking back, I think I am in the verge of the fear of losing everyone again. I’ve gone through so much pain before seeing people around me don’t find me comfortable and would avoid. With This kind of pain in my life, I find it hard to leave that fear out.
Lately, I get so many friends, So much of them, I feel like if I die tonight I’ll die as the happiest man on earth. This was the vacuum in my heart, I was desperately longing for friends who would stand in with me, know me and care for me. But just lately, this vacuum in heart is totally filled.
All I was going through was an mixed up emotion that makes me think, if I be myself, my friends would leave me, and I need to mask myself. Then I start wearing mask after mask. Finally, the layers of mask so thicken, I realize I am not myself anymore. This is really not me. I trying so hard to be someone I am not until I loose the call of whom I am really.
Never felt like this before, but somewhere along life, I lost what it takes to be myself. For Good or for bad, I lost it, and now I fear that I will be unloved, as I am very unpredictable. I pray I’ll be myself.
Anyway the word unlove is so not an English word. But it is taken from a song.
And I know no matter what, even if my whole world crumble down, I know I am not unlove.
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