I can't be loved

Well this is most probably the most emo posting ever.

I know who I was, Who am I trying to cheat ? Isn't things better now? Just when I thought everything is over, I am now a new creation, everything has passes. Have everything really passes? Didn't I learn anything from my past? Well this is my time again, my heart start to sing love song AGAIN. But I think I can’t anymore.


One of my best friends from church, also my well wisher, unintentionally confronts me with the facts. Though he doesn’t know much of my past, but he hit me with the right question and the really make me think. Things may have passed for me. All that tears may now be unknown already. My heart, by now has experience healing from the rejection and sadness that covers my heart all the while. But a mended broken heart isn’t new anymore, it still have the chance of breaking again.

It’s not others, it’s me, I can’t love, and no one can love me, for it is gone. My life story will tell me just right where I am now. I am not in the circle of perfect life, I am in the line of mended life, just extended grace that made me live again. Everything is not easily swept away. No past walks away so easily.

Like the song, “Because of you”, I know it’s hard, although I have forgiven “you” in the song, I’ve let “you” go, I know your knife that stab through my heart have no power anymore, but still I am not taking the risk to let anyone else in. No way, enough is enough; the pain is still intense, Trauma never leaves.

Now all I pray that miracle would happen again, there is already so much of miracles that have happened. Asking for more is really being greedy. Well God is a God of Abundance, certainly He will restore the years the Locust have eaten.

In God I will continue to trust ..