Officially Smoker

er..

i don't know what actually happen to me, but i really don't like the man i see in the mirror rite now. I know i have walked to far away, and i build my own fortress and hide myself there, but not long enough i actually now realise instead of building a fortress i build my grave.

i am now hooked into new habits, i am now officially a smoker, i just bought my first pack of cigarette, i am not hiding myself anymore, i agree this is a wrong thing. i don't want to justify them. It's rather a foolish thing to smoke.

But i rather want to know how i end up here ? really, i dun want to blame anyone, I thought if i leave my friends behind they will be there for me when i find them, but i am wrong. I am left empty when i return. I shouldn't have left. but again, i dun blame them, they are just as busy as i am, they got the own life to attend to, they can't live in for me. But i really wish i could go back the time.

last saturday, i recieved a call from a church member, I rather leave it un-name, this is the first time someone call me and check out, not calling me to ask a favour. i was touched, although the person lie to me about the Holy Spirit inspire him to call me and so on but actually he saw me in Jusco. anyway, i was really moved. I really do know that people still recognise me in my own church. Seriously, i am not blaming them to see me as alien, i walked away. I build a fortress so big now they dun see me already.

but just wish, someone would be there when i need a place to talk. someone just standby and listen to me. every word i could actually lift out. basically, i am at fault too, i am just seeking friends to lift my story only. really living in an island of my own ( i am not referring to Singapore).

This is so wrong, I don't recognise myself anymore. i dunno what happen to the Naresh i use to know. Died or vanished, i really dun like the man i see in the mirror. I smoke, but this isn't the big deal, the bigger deal is, when i look "ok" nobody want to stand by me, now that i am even more uglier, who would acknowledge me as friend ? i really want to know. I really seek to know.

Dear friends, if you are reading this, i am sincerely want to apologise my absence in our friendship. I know i walked away. I was down. But now, i can't walk in and can't be friends again. I am living in an island that you can't reach me. we are living in different world. wish only i can swim to your world. but a wish is a wish. I definitely know there is no way i can go there. So sorry; guess it ends here. My fortress Grave.

Now there is nothing u can do, there is nothing i can do also. too far away, two world apart. I am not ashamed to agree that i am in unrighteous world. but I deserve to be isloated and islanded cause i make up an bad image in you. I am sad to be like this but there is nothing that i can do rite now. This blog have no objective, it's just shout out of my grave mistake.

PLEASE my fellow Christian FRIENDS ... I AM BAD IMAGE, don't be stumble...

Thanks for reading,

LONG LOST AND GONE,
NARESH